Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
