i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
