8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
