I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My legs feel like baby dolphins
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
