i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Even my vagina gasped.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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