I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
