I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
