Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
