I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
