I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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