I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can't turn off my feet"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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