the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
