I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
