He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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