there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
