I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
