is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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