lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
