He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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