I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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