Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
