Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
