You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
