I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
