Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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