i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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