So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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