I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
