There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
