I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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