I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
