OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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