Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
