peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
