k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
