Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm getting married
To pizza
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
