so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
