hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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