My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
