His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
