I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am naked and annoyed.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
