In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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