ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
