I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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