DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
