Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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