Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
