i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
