Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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