I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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