She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
