I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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