I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
