I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
