The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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