seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
