I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize