just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
