That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
